The Tough Balance of Social Expectations and Personal Needs

A recent discovery in navigating relationships is the rawness and hurt feelings of other's who have social expectations of you, which may not be adequately met, despite our best efforts. An example of this could be a several hour dancing session, which often involves stressful variables such as strangers, fear of making mistakes, and the drain of being surrounded by people for a prolonged period of time. Each of these variables can act as a trigger, and stressor, to someone with Aspergers. Personal experience with this exact situation outlined the differences between a neurotypical and myself. On my end, I was proud of myself for putting myself out there in a social situation I would typically avoid, knowing it was important to someone I was close to. I was shocked, and hurt, to discover that being ready to leave after 2 hours instead of the complete 4 hour duration of the dance lesson, was interpreted as ungratefulness and self-centered behavior, despite stepping outside my comfort zone for someone else. I left feeling discouraged, and misunderstood.

While I make it a point to cultivate connections with coworkers, friends and family, sometimes it can be hard to find a balance between other's expectations, and my own needs. In the above scenario, I met someone's expectations to the best of my ability, truly, to my maximum capacity, before needing to shut down and remove myself from a situation that taxed my social battery, and when empty, triggered my anxiety. I needed to recharge, I needed the soft touch of the night air, after an assault of sound, stares, and sweat. 

My advice to those who reach their threshold of social stimuli is simply to put in your best effort for people you are close to, but make it clear when you need your peace and quiet, if anxiety begins to settle in. When someone cares about you, they will often reframe their expectations, a theme I mentioned in my last post. Ideally, they will be understanding to your needs, and appreciate that you stepped outside of your comfort zone for them!

With coworkers, socializing often occurs on a less personal level, so find a polite, tactful excuse to make your exit. For example, after grabbing drinks or bowling with coworkers, you might say, "Great seeing you all, but I've got to get back and run the dog!" This will be interpreted much better than then bluntness around you being drained by their social activity.

What stresses you out in social situations? How do you manage this stress?

Sensitivity to Individual Routine

I believe those of us with Aspergers approach life with an individualized, unique system to navigate it, compared to your average neurotypical. We are often creatures of routine, habit, and structure, and when someone interrupts these, throwing in elements of spontaneity and expectations, it triggers us. You might write us off as rude, insensitive, self-absorbed. But I implore you to look at our own routines through a different lens.

Growing up, I would always burst into rage when my night home from school would be ruined by what my parents called "Forced Family Fun." Essentially, my night of planning to relax with some reading and Nintendo after 8 hours of being surrounded by people would be thrown out the window for time spent discussing our days (groan), going for a walk, or eating dinner together. I needed some time to be left to my own devices, to recharge in my own world, away from everyone else. My parents called this antisocial. I called this retaining sanity. See what I mean? Two different perspectives. For the life of them, my family couldn't understand why I couldn't be more like my brother and sister, who happily engaged in our "Triple F" routine without hesitation. For so many years, I felt like the black sheep of the family, never wanting to do things their way, and lashing out when their expectations were shoved upon me...until I finally made it clear what I needed from them.

As a parent, family member, friend, or significant other of someone with Aspergers, you may never truly understand why we do things the way we do them, and why we react so harshly when our routine is infringed upon, but if you want to retain a good relationship, it's imperative that you give us the space we need. Try to be sensitive to these routines, and give us advanced notice, presenting plans as an option, rather than an expectation. I guarantee you there will be a two way improvement in accommodating one another. After years of a strained relationship with my family, vocalizing this need was the most important step I had taken, and I respected them for re-framing their expectations for me. I am closer with them because of it!

What are some daily routines that you follow? Do you feel like people are sensitive to them?