Mentoring and Reaching Out to Younger Aspergians

Having experienced firsthand the difficult and tumultuous years of high school and even middle school as an Aspergian, I believe in the importance of an older generation of Aspergians developing an empathetic side for young adults who are experiencing the deep hurt resulting from social ostracization. Especially in youth, a stage of development, growth, and learned maturity, we are much more sensitive and vulnerable to the labels, jeers, and hurtful words of others.

Growing up, I didn't have a support system to deal with my anger, frustration, and depression, and it took a toll on me years later, as I put up a wall between myself and others, avoiding friendships and relationships for fear of getting hurt again. I felt that the less people knew me, the fewer opportunities they would have to expose and make fun of my oddities and quirks. With a support system, an older friend and mentor, I believe I could have learned earlier on to be open to the idea that there are also people who would have accepted me for who I was, awkwardness and all! It took several years down the road for me to start making friends again, but when I finally did, it sowed the seeds of trust and openness, which snowballed into confidence and taking risks. I just wish I had had someone who had been in my shoes, and overcome. There is a distinct bonding element of the shared human experience, and I challenge adults with Aspergers to be this catalyst to success for young adults with our "condition" who face adversity in an overwhelmingly neurotypical society. As the old saying goes, it takes one to know one!

Do you have a child, cousin, or younger brother or sister with Aspergers? Try sitting down with them and sharing some of your greatest challenges and successes at their age as an Aspergian. Find and focus on any commonalities!

The Tough Balance of Social Expectations and Personal Needs

A recent discovery in navigating relationships is the rawness and hurt feelings of other's who have social expectations of you, which may not be adequately met, despite our best efforts. An example of this could be a several hour dancing session, which often involves stressful variables such as strangers, fear of making mistakes, and the drain of being surrounded by people for a prolonged period of time. Each of these variables can act as a trigger, and stressor, to someone with Aspergers. Personal experience with this exact situation outlined the differences between a neurotypical and myself. On my end, I was proud of myself for putting myself out there in a social situation I would typically avoid, knowing it was important to someone I was close to. I was shocked, and hurt, to discover that being ready to leave after 2 hours instead of the complete 4 hour duration of the dance lesson, was interpreted as ungratefulness and self-centered behavior, despite stepping outside my comfort zone for someone else. I left feeling discouraged, and misunderstood.

While I make it a point to cultivate connections with coworkers, friends and family, sometimes it can be hard to find a balance between other's expectations, and my own needs. In the above scenario, I met someone's expectations to the best of my ability, truly, to my maximum capacity, before needing to shut down and remove myself from a situation that taxed my social battery, and when empty, triggered my anxiety. I needed to recharge, I needed the soft touch of the night air, after an assault of sound, stares, and sweat. 

My advice to those who reach their threshold of social stimuli is simply to put in your best effort for people you are close to, but make it clear when you need your peace and quiet, if anxiety begins to settle in. When someone cares about you, they will often reframe their expectations, a theme I mentioned in my last post. Ideally, they will be understanding to your needs, and appreciate that you stepped outside of your comfort zone for them!

With coworkers, socializing often occurs on a less personal level, so find a polite, tactful excuse to make your exit. For example, after grabbing drinks or bowling with coworkers, you might say, "Great seeing you all, but I've got to get back and run the dog!" This will be interpreted much better than then bluntness around you being drained by their social activity.

What stresses you out in social situations? How do you manage this stress?